Counting Reasons
by Keltena
Summary: There are eleven reasons why Zelos looks up to Lloyd, and why Lloyd is better off without him. Done for 11 Reasons on LiveJournal. Zelos/Lloyd.
1. Determination

**Determination (the first reason)**

_theme – arms/hands/fingers_

If there's one thing Zelos has learned about Lloyd, it's that he's determined when he wants to be... and that when he gets like that, there's nothing that can stop him.

Oh, sure, he's reluctant enough when they're going over mathematical concepts together. And Zelos has never seen anyone more uninvolved than the young swordsman when Raine tries fruitlessly to educate him about whatever ruin is nearest.

But when the sun is peeking over the mountains in the east and the two of them wake up for some early morning sparring, Zelos thinks nothing can compare to the vitality Lloyd displays as his body flows through the different moves he's struggled to learn in such a short period of time.

And as Zelos takes the teenager's arms and moves his hands to a better grip on the hilts of his swords, he thinks to himself that if anyone can save Colette from her current predicament, who better than this young man with fire in his eyes and determination rooted in his soul?

It's not until later that Zelos, thinking back, realizes that those training sessions together were when he first started admiring Lloyd.


	2. Optimism

**Optimism (the second reason)**

_theme – cynical/pessimistic_

Let's talk about two concepts for a moment: optimism and pessimism.

They're not hard to grasp. Optimism means looking forward to what comes ahead, trusting in others to do the right thing, and, most importantly of all, believing that, in the end, things will always work out okay. Optimism means believing in the dwarven vow, "goodness and love will always win". Optimism is what Lloyd does.

Pessimism is the opposite. Pessimism means believing the worst of the world and its inhabitants, seeing the glass half-empty, and being prepared for disappointment. Pessimism makes you wonder if, maybe, it would be better if you and the world had never existed to begin with. Pessimism is what Zelos does.

It throws even a practiced pessimist off-guard to be around someone completely the opposite, someone who looks on the bright side even when things seem pitch-black and has faith in people and in the world itself. It throws Zelos even more off-guard the way Lloyd, after only a short time together, is willing to trust him almost absolutely.

At first it's off-putting, the way Lloyd is always convinced things will be all right, the way he's so confident in the goodness of people's hearts and all that crap. But as Zelos grows to know him a little more, he starts, in a typically optimistic fashion, to see the positive side of these traits – the way Lloyd can cheer up the whole group of them with a short talk, the way he's willing to give second chances, and the way he can occasionally find something positive to say about Zelos that Zelos never knew even existed.

And, even if it would mean being naïve and unrealistic... Zelos can't help but sometimes wish, a little bit, that he was more like Lloyd.


	3. Cute

**Cute (the third reason)**

_theme – hair_

Zelos will never admit this to anyone ever again, but Lloyd is the cutest teenager he's ever met. Females included. And yet for some reason, he's never able to pin down exactly why.

Maybe it's the way he acts. Maybe it's his complete honesty, the way he looks at you with trust in those wide brown eyes. Maybe it's the way he tries to reason his way out of situations he doesn't know the first thing about, coming up with answers that make everyone but Presea laugh. Maybe it's his fierce determination to always prove himself right, even when it makes him look ridiculous.

Then again, maybe it's more about the way he looks – the way he looks when he's just gotten up in the morning and his eyes are sleepy and his hair is all messed, or the uncomfortable look on his face when he asks Zelos how he gets so many girls, or the wide grin on his face when he discovers something.

Or... maybe, Zelos thinks as he dozes off, thrilled to sleep in his own bed for once, maybe it's both, and maybe it's neither, and maybe it's more than any of that. Maybe it's something in the way Lloyd surreptitiously tried to sniff his hair earlier, the way he flushed just slightly when he was caught, and maybe it's the fascinated look on Lloyd's face when Zelos tells him about lemon-scented shampoo and herbal soap, and maybe it's his tone when he mumbles to Zelos about how unnecessary all of that seems. Maybe it's every slight, hesitant movement Zelos feels on his scalp when he coaxes Lloyd into braiding his hair for him before they both head off to their respective rooms.

Maybe, Zelos thinks sleepily right before he drifts off, he should stop thinking about it so hard.


	4. Perceptiveness

**Perceptiveness (the fourth reason)**

_theme – melancholy/sad_

As social a person as Zelos is, everyone needs some time to themselves, and that's what Zelos is doing as he falls a little distance behind the rest of the group, walking past the city of Flanoir on their tedious quest for Penguinist Quills.

He isn't expecting Lloyd to fall back and join him, and he certainly doesn't expect the words that come out of the boy's mouth a few seconds later: Very unlike you to be brooding.

Well, Zelos isn't prepared for that comment, and he replies with a very eloquent, Huh?, and Lloyd says simply: You act like there's nothing wrong even when there is.

Zelos doesn't know what he's supposed to say to that, so what ends up coming out is the truth; Lloyd's a lot more perceptive than he ever realized, and he tells his 'friend' (hard to call him a real friend, when he has no idea Zelos is planning to betray him) that. Of course, it goes completely over the young swordsman's head, and Zelos mentally berates himself for even bothering to say something serious to this kid.

But even despite that, that's one of the days in their journey that makes the biggest impression on Zelos.


	5. Never give up

**Never give up (the fifth reason)**

_theme – faith_

Call it headstrong, call it stupid, call it brave, but it's something no one can deny about Lloyd: the kid does not have it _in_ him to give up.

This tireless persistence is there, all the time, if you look for it... but Zelos doesn't bother looking much anymore. All he's seen for the last fifteen years are nobles who want in on his status; they don't care about him, and he doesn't give a damn about them either. That's why it takes a while for Lloyd's behavior to really, really sink in.

When it does sink in, it's around the time when they're rushing to save Colette. Cruxis wants her saved to use as Martel's vessel, and the party wants her saved because she's their friend, and the Renegades don't really care either way, and anyway it's just hectic and Zelos doesn't really think about why Lloyd's so sure they're going to save her, because he's acted that way all along even if it was never so noticeable, and he doesn't really have time to think about it. And besides, who cares about this idealistic idiot kid?

Well, Zelos realizes later, when he has time to reflect, _he_ cares. And it confuses him, because quite honestly, he's not sure why he cares.

But even if he doesn't realize it, this attitude of Lloyd's does have an effect on him. Because it's at that point when it becomes near impossible for him _not_ to believe in Lloyd.


	6. Sincerity

**Sincerity (the sixth reason)**

_theme – smile/smirk_

For almost as long as he can remember, Zelos Wilder has been smiling.

It's not always the same smile. Sometimes it's a cheerful smile, the kind he wears daily, making him appear to the world completely content. Or sometimes it's a teasing, secretly nasty smirk that says, I love watching you make a fool of yourself in front of sophisticated people like me. Sometimes it's a wide grin, almost goofy-looking, one that emanates amusement and immediate pleasure. And sometimes, more rarely, it's a bitter, skeptical smirk that just hints at what he _really_ thinks of the situation he's found himself in.

He's not always smiling, of course. Zelos has other expressions as well – a pout that says, Why don't you love me?, an irritated look that says, I deserve more respect, a thoughtful expression... Rarely, however, does Zelos truly frown.

There's one underlying theme to all his faces, however: _They're all a mask._ Whether it's a flirtatious grin (_I don't _really_ care about you_), a hurt pout (_I'm just pretending to feel bad_), or a grin that reflects an ego the size of Meltokio (_I hate myself_), none of them show his true feelings. That's the way he likes it. None of those nobles care how he feels, anyway... so he'll just only pretend to care about them in return. It's fair for everyone.

And yet, there's one person who can almost break the mask. It's not Sebastian, the man who almost singlehandedly raised him. It's not Seles, his alienated half-sister. It's not Sheena, either, the one girl he ever dated who actually cared about who he was, and who he threw away like the rest.

No, the person who gets to Zelos most, for some reason, is Lloyd Irving.

Lloyd's a completely different story from everything Zelos has ever known. Lloyd only has one smile; he only needs one; he's not an actor. Lloyd is nothing like any of the people Zelos grew up knowing. He's a little like Colette, and a little like Sheena, but he's his own person, and nothing like anyone else Zelos knows. Lloyd's smile is wide, goofy, and insanely happy... but most of all, it's sincere.

That last reason might be it. Maybe that's why, when Lloyd smiles at him like that, it takes all Zelos has not to return the smile with one just as sincere – a smile that's nowhere in his rulebook.


	7. Opinions

**Opinions (the seventh reason)**

_theme – word/phrase_

When Zelos says it, he doesn't think twice about it. It's his motto; it never occurred to him that maybe, someone could disagree with something that simple.

And yet, that's exactly what happens. He says it to Lloyd – Whatever will be, will be – when Colette has collapsed at Altessa's house and the poor kid is worried sick about her. He doesn't expect such a heated response.

Lloyd doesn't want to believe that maybe, Colette just isn't going to live. He doesn't want to think that there are things which just can't be helped. He doesn't want to believe in the 'fate' Kratos always talks about. He won't, he _can't_ believe that if Colette dies, it's anything but their fault, _his_ fault, for not saving her fast enough.

Zelos... now he doesn't really see the point in thinking like that. If it happens, it happens, after all, and there's nothing you can do about it. Why waste time blaming yourself when you have better things to do.

But in a way, it's also almost... admirable, the way Lloyd sees things – the way he won't take no for an answer, the way he's willing to take responsibility for his actions, the way he's determined to shape destiny himself... It's a completely different perspective, and Zelos has grown to like it a lot.

But in any case, that's the last time he shares his motto with Lloyd.


	8. Strength

**Strength (the eighth reason)**

_theme – envy_

Sometimes – not often, mind you, because it's a waste of time and he has things to do, but sometimes – and not for long periods of time, either, just when he's by himself, but sometimes... Zelos can't help but sit back and think how pathetic he is.

Born a Chosen who couldn't even save his own mom from being killed all because of him... Grew up with an old father who didn't give a damn about him, a sister who hated him for causing _her_ mother's death as well, and a butler who only knew how to be reserved and polite... Earned a reputation in society only for being a Chosen guilty of three of the Church's deadly sins... None of it seems like too much to anyone else, but to sit back and reflect on it all... well, it adds up.

Of course, he doesn't show it. Not at all. That's one of those deadly sins, after all: pride, even if it's really all just a show he puts on. And it's not like he ever tries to do anything about it, and there's another of those sins: sloth. No; if anything, he's grown accustomed to being the world's worst Chosen... and he uses his reputation to his advantage, after all, which leads to the third of those damned sins; namely, lust.

But really... when he thinks about it, none of those are where he does most of his 'sinning'. No... if Zelos Wilder had to choose one of the Church of Martel's deadly sins to account for, he knows deep down just what it is... envy. The great Zelos Wilder, jealous? Yes, maybe.

It's not of one particular person. He's jealous of Colette for being the Chosen he'll never be, and for being loved like he never really has been. He's jealous of Sheena for her unbreakable spirit, and he's jealous of the way Genis can be a brat and still be liked so much better than him. He's a little bit jealous of Raine's intellect, the way she can always correct even him, and of Regal's nice, comfortable position in society, not an insanely high-pressure one like his. And he's definitely jealous of Kratos, the man who could betray everyone and still have Lloyd's admiration, whereas Zelos has betrayed no one so far and they already look down on him.

But these days, the person he's most jealous of – and you know you saw this one coming – is Lloyd. Not because of the way Lloyd gets told things like he's similar to Mithos, or how he gets treated like a leader even though he's just a kid. It doesn't have anything to do with the way the girls in the party practically throw themselves at him, either, as unlikely as that might seem. No, what gets to him the most is that Lloyd's... strong.

Not physically strong; he is, but Zelos could beat him in a fight any day. But... inside, Lloyd's incredibly strong, and the frustrating thing is that the kid doesn't even seem to realize it. He's been exiled from his hometown, betrayed by someone he trusted, seen his loved ones in pain and been in great pain himself... and yet, he can still get up in the morning with a smile on his face, ready to go kick some Cruxis ass.

Zelos isn't the kind of person to believe in miracles, but, he thinks to himself, that just might be one.

Or maybe it isn't. Maybe it's just that, when it comes down to it, Lloyd is everything he's not. And maybe, sometimes, it's all just a little hard for Zelos to live with.


	9. Understanding

**Understanding (the ninth reason)**

_theme – season/weather_

Zelos isn't sure just when he started trusting Lloyd, but at this point, it seems like a basic fact that he does.

That might be why he finds himself standing up, closing the door to his room behind him and walking down the hall. That might be why he so suddenly feels like talking about something that he's never talked about before, letting it all spill out... and maybe that's what friends are for: to listen. That might be why he's made up his mind that, this time, he's going to do the right thing just for the sake of doing the right thing. Even if it means joining the weaker side.

He knocks on Lloyd's door, and as expected, the teenager is still awake – most likely worrying about the events of the following day. He says, Come on, let's go outside and talk for a bit, or something to that effect. And that's how they end up outside on a balcony that overlooks the city of Flanoir, shivering in the falling snow.

It's easy to avoid snow when you're the Chosen. You can spend your summers in Meltokio and your winters in Altamira, where it's warm all year round, and never catch a glimpse of it. But now they've come to the opposite of Altamira, the perpetually snowy city, and something in the sight of the snow stirs a memory in Zelos that he's been trying his hardest to forget.

There was a record snowfall in Meltokio that day, he tells Lloyd almost absentmindedly, and just like that, it all spills out. Not a detail is removed; none of his usual little half-lies are there to sugarcoat it. The whole time he's speaking, Zelos's eyes are fixed on the snow, Lloyd only barely visible out of the corner of his vision.

Lloyd, as to be expected, has a strong reaction. He says, That's horrible!, and, I'm glad you're alive, and he says that Zelos is one of them, that he has to be there when they fight Mithos. He says all the right things... all the things Zelos needed to hear, and for once, Zelos actually agrees with him completely. And he realizes one of the things he's been missing all his life: out of his parents and all the nobles he grew up around, none of them knew or cared enough to be like Lloyd is: understanding.

Maybe it's because of that realization that, just when they're about to head back inside, Zelos leans down, meets Lloyd's eyes, and then kisses the boy right on those smiling lips. He can feel Lloyd gasp, and he senses how startled his friend is, even if it doesn't stop him from draping an arm over Lloyd's shoulders and pulling him closer. And he feels Lloyd very slowly begin to respond to the kiss.

And it's all okay. Because, even if it was a spur of the moment thing, Zelos knows Lloyd understands. And that means more to him than anything in the world.


	10. Acceptance

**Acceptance (the tenth reason)**

_theme - fly/fall_

Zelos isn't quite sure what's come over him, but now that he's made up his mind to trust Lloyd, he feels like he's betraying everyone's trust if he doesn't do this. And that's why he's sitting on Lloyd's bed in his room and trying to break the news as gently as possible.

He's told Lloyd that there's something he needs to tell him. He's promised Lloyd that he's on his side, and apologized vaguely for deceiving him. He's stressed that not only does he want Lloyd to trust him, but that he trusts Lloyd, probably more than anyone in the world. He's admitted that Lloyd has every right to hate him but added that he hopes Lloyd can forgive him, when all this is over... All in all, Zelos has done quite a bit of rambling about his motives, feelings, and the way this journey has changed him.

Lloyd, of course, listens almost patiently, seeming quite puzzled but willing to give Zelos the benefit of the doubt... But still, at the moment when Zelos drops all pretenses and reveals his golden wings, the shocked and betrayed look Lloyd gives him is enough to make him grit his teeth, close his eyes, and bow his head. He apologizes, in a rare show of humility for him... and Lloyd stops him.

Lloyd says, with obviously difficulty, that it doesn't matter to him if Zelos is an angel. He says that he doesn't know what's going on, but he knows Zelos would never betray him (and at those words, Zelos feels a prickle of guilt about what he's planning to do next.) He says, a little quietly, that he loves Zelos and he trusts him to do the right thing, and that means so much to Zelos that he can hardly reply.

He says he guesses he'll be going now, that the others should be back soon and they'll need to head off to the Tower of Salvation. He leaves Lloyd to sit and think over what he's just seen. He knows Lloyd won't tell, at least, and if he wanted to be practical, that's all that really matters.

Not for the first time, as they leave, Zelos wonders if it was really the right time to tell Lloyd about everything. He knows that it was difficult for Lloyd to handle, and that he felt betrayed, and that he's probably confused and doesn't know what to think. He knows everything he's done has placed a burden not only on himself, but now on Lloyd.

But still, he also realizes that, despite his misgivings, Lloyd is willing to accept him, or at least try to, anyway. And maybe that he's trying is the only thing that matters, at least right now.


	11. Morality

**Morality (the final reason)**

_theme - all the reasons were a lie_

When it all comes down to it, Zelos is never going to be like Lloyd.

Why? Well, maybe it's because Lloyd's so naturally idealistic, whereas Zelos knows he'll never be able to shake off the deep cynicism he once considered healthy. And maybe it's because Lloyd isn't afraid to be himself, and is loved by everyone for it, whereas Zelos has spent years hiding behind a mask that earns him nothing but scorn... and now he's too scared to come out and show himself again. Maybe it's really, mainly, because of the way Lloyd has always been surrounded by people he can depend on, and who depends on him in turn, something Zelos has never known. Maybe it's because of that that Zelos turned out this way: quick to judge, slow to trust, unwilling to open up to anyone. And maybe that's why he's the only one who can do this.

It's like walking through a dream. Zelos sees himself leading the group into the Tower of Salvation once more. He hears, as if from a distance, their Phews and What now?s. He feels himself step forward and hears himself say: Leave it to me, and it's like second nature to ignore their confusion: this is a perfectly rehearsed act, even if he's never actually rehearsed it, and it comes to him so naturally that it's almost painful. He calls Colette over, frowning internally behind his easy, confident smile, takes her arm, pulls her a little closer...

And that's when, for the rest of the party at least, everything falls apart.

Raine's face is shocked: she knows immediately what's happened. Sheena's is a mix of disbelief and growing fury; Genis's is taken aback; Regal's combines betrayal and anger. Presea, ever the emotionless one, has a look of startled surprise on her face. Colette, next to him, is wide-eyed and scared.

But though his eyes only flicker over the rest of them, they can't help but freeze on Lloyd. The young swordsman's expression is one of confusion, surprise, and anxiety. It almost seems to say, What are you doing? or I trusted you, or most of all, Please tell me there's an explanation for this! Zelos's eyes close, a reflex to protect him against the look on his friend's face, and he grits his teeth and turns to the Desian Grand Cardinal, Pronyma. The carefree look never once leaves his face - keep smiling, don't let them see how you feel, don't show weakness, don't lose the mask...

He listens to their outbursts, their accusation and pleas, with a stony face. There was a time when it all would have rolled right off him like water, a time when Zelos wouldn't have given a damn about the hurt and betrayal emanating from his companions. There was a time when he could have walked right off, whistling, with a smirk on his face and left them to comfort themselves.

There's one important difference between this time and what would have happened that time.

This time, Zelos isn't just in it for himself. This time, he's in it for his friends (can he really call them that, even after all that's happened? Yes, he can.) He's in it for the sake of the two worlds and everyone who lives in them, and he's in it for Lloyd's sake too, and Colette's and Sheena's and Regal's and Presea's and Raine's, and Genis's as well, and even Kratos. He's in it because, for once in his life, he wants to do the right thing, no matter what the cost. Even if the cost is all of their trust.

How could you?

I always knew you were a pervert, but I never doubted you were a good person!

You hate your status as Chosen so much that you would betray your friends?

I still trust you, you hear me?!

Zelos ignores their words coldly, not releasing his grip on Colette. Just a little while and then he'll be gone with Pronyma... He can get the Aionis and apologize to everyone... and especially Lloyd...

...wait, what was that last one...?

Lloyd. Of course... Lloyd would never believe anything bad of his friends. And for a moment, Zelos is sure things will work out all right, after all, and he turns to leave with Pronyma, when he sees a flash out of the corner of his eye and barely moves in time to deflect a blow from... Lloyd's swords?

And Zelos realizes, right then, what part of the equation he'd evaluated wrong.

Because even though Lloyd trusts his friends completely, and even though he's the last person to believe anything wrong of them... There's one thing about him that overrides all that.

Lloyd is a fiercely moral person. And even he can force himself to accept the fact that Zelos is a traitor (it all adds up, he even saw Zelos's wings the night before...) and do something about it before it's too late.

Zelos looks down at him, and for a moment, his face falters at the completely and utterly betrayed expression on Lloyd's face.

Then the mask is back up, and he knocks Lloyd away, teleporting off with Pronyma and Colette.

Maybe Zelos was wrong about everything. Or maybe he was just right in the most horribly wrong way possible. All the numerous reasons why Lloyd made such a difference in him turned out to also be reasons why Zelos could never be like him. And maybe (and this is the most painful one), maybe the reason he didn't notice is because he's been lying to himself all along. Zelos knows that he wanted to believe he could become like Lloyd... and the fact is, he never will. They're just... too different.

And despite this, or maybe because of it, the mask is back up and stronger than ever when Zelos appears, always the dashing hero, to save the day. He grins as if he's already been forgiven, fights against Yggdrasill like he's one of them, but doesn't meet Lloyd's eyes at all when he hands him the Aionis. And it's not until late that night, at the inn in Heimdall, that he realizes the story isn't over yet.

Zelos can't bring himself to go talk to Lloyd - keep running, run fast and your problems can't catch you - but Lloyd finds him and, quietly, coaxes him out of bed and out into the warm Heimdall night, where lamps and fireflies are the only source of brightness. They sit, and for a while they don't talk... until Zelos begins to apologize.

He doesn't finish, because quite suddenly, he finds himself in Lloyd's arms, chin against the younger man's shoulder.

And - and here's the most surprising thing - Lloyd whispers that it's all right, that he knew Zelos would never betray them, but also that he doesn't want Zelos to ever do something like that again because he loves him and it's too painful and please tell us next time, we can work it out, I know it...

And Zelos sits there in silence, letting Lloyd support his weight, wondering what happened... what went right.

Because Lloyd knows to always do the right thing, no matter how painful it is - attacking someone you considered a friend... or coming to them afterwards and saying you forgive them. And that's something Zelos still has to learn... and he's not sure he ever will.

Maybe he's been lying to himself the whole time. Maybe everything he thought he'd learned, all the ways he'd thought he changed... maybe Zelos really hadn't changed at all.

But now, he knows that that's okay. Because sometimes, whether they're lies you tell yourself or lies you tell to protect others, it's okay to lie. Even when it's not, if you search hard enough, there's always a way to make things right again. And sometimes, it's only by sorting through the lies you've told that you can figure out what the truth of the matter really is.

Because Zelos knows, at this moment, that he's found something true. It doesn't matter whether he knows what it is, but he knows that for once in his life, he's happy to be alive, and he knows that there are others who feel the same way. And he realizes that maybe what he did wasn't all bad after all... and he thinks, maybe, he'll make better choices in the future.

And whatever all of this means, Zelos knows, somehow, that things have turned out how they're meant to be.

And Lloyd still has to fight Kratos, and the worlds still need to be reunited, and nothing is really over, but they're both happy, for this moment.

And, just for now, Zelos knows he can lie to himself and pretend this moment, right now, is how it ends.

But he's told enough lies... and the truth is, right now, what they both need more than anything is a good night's sleep for tomorrow.

And they walk to Lloyd's room, he tells himself that the only reason they're sleeping in the same bed is so he doesn't wake anyone up walking to his own room.

Little lies like that never hurt anyone, after all.


End file.
